Anonymous

I did not have a happy or secure childhood and from there I grew into a depressed teenager. I was afraid to be happy and didn't think it was appropriate because my home life was so negative. I received Jesus as my Savior when I was probably around 6. The rules and fear of punishment from God which were instilled in me kept me from making "bad choices". I knew God was real and believed the Bible was the Word of God but the personal side of the relationship escaped me.

As I entered my early to mid twenties my emotional problems threatened to overwhelm me and as a mother of 2 young children I knew this could not continue. I won't describe the particular problem but I was losing my grip on reality .I was wondering how to gain control and was seriously considering checking into a hospital or going to a psychologist. I was also praying and asking God what I should do. One day as I started devotions I was again asking God for help and direction. I opened my Bible and began reading Luke 11:9 "And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." I stopped reading and asked God, "Is this really for me? Are You telling me to just ask, and You will remove it?" As 1 was trying to listen for the voice of God I casually flipped to Isaiah 53:5 and these words jumped out at me. "But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon him, and with his stripes we are healed." I took God at His word and asked Him to heal me of the emotional illness that was beginning to take over my life. In an instant it was gone! The desire to continue down that path was gone! I was relieved, amazed and thankful that God had answered my prayer. I had a freedom and a new trust in my Savior. I would need that to face the next hurdle that was looming on the horizon.

About a month after God touched my emotional life I went into a deep depression. Some may not understand how that could happen but in I Kings 19 we see how a similar thing happened in Elijah 's life. He had just won a great victory a11d then shortly after was running in fear for his life and asking God to end it. Even though God had given me victory in one area, there were other things I struggled with. I began a downhill spiral that ended in the conviction that if I remained with my family. I would ruin their lives because I would be a bad influence on them. My life was still filled with fear, insecurity, and lack of trust. It was a constant struggle for me to maintain a mask of normalcy and I didn't want them to grow up the way I had.

Some say that anyone who attempts or commits suicide is only thinking of themselves. Those people have never stood on the edge of that cliff and really don't know what goes through a person's mind at that point. Yes, I was in tremendous emotional pain and wanted a way out but that was not my final thought on the issue. One night after going to bed 1 decided there was no other way; I was committed to ending my life. It was not my desire to hurt anyone else, so in my mind I went through a list of everyone I could think of that might be affected by my actions and I could think of no good reason to stay. In the state of mind I was in I thought some people might miss me a little but they would get over it quickly and would be better off without me around. After going through that process I began thinking of the best way to do it. I came closer and closer to a plan. I wanted it to be nice and clean and final. I understand even as I read these words now, how little sense they make. But since I was thoroughly convinced that I had no worth or value they made sense to me in those moments.

I don't know how long it took me to go through these thoughts but suddenly a presence of evil filled the room. I heard the words in my mind that the evil presence was whispering to me. "Just do it! Just get out of bed and do it! Stop thinking about it and do it!" Somehow I knew if I got out of bed there would be no turning back.

God intervened at that moment. f had always desired to please God and somehow in my troubled mind God made me realize that if Satan wanted me to commit suicide so much that he would actually send an evil spirit to urge me on, then it was not something that God would approve of. God must have another way. I didn't know anything about resisting Satan or anything about the power we have in Christ to rebuke him. But I knew Jesus was my Savior and I just kept repeating over and over, "Jesus, make it go away. Jesus make it go away." A short time later the evil presence left. I thanked God for intervening and for being with me. He gave me peace beyond understanding and a night of restful sleep. I recognized that God had saved me literally from death and from Satan's hand.

Through the years I have thanked God for not letting me go. He had my hand tightly in His and no matter what I struggled with or how much I misunderstood Him, I was His child. He loved me unconditionally right where I was, warts and all. He has always been faithful and dependable even when I doubted Him or blamed Him. He has continued to lead and guide. In His wisdom and patience with me He has used the passing years, people, circumstances and His Word to change my negative thoughts, help me learn to trust, and has taken away my life filled with fear. That is who my God is. He is personal, He is a loving Father, and He is amazingly near. Thank you, Lord, for never giving up on me, even when I gave up on myself.